The Spot (Jokes, Funny things And much More!)

A Few More Things To Ponder About...

1. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

2. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

8. So what's the speed of dark?

9. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

12. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?

44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

46. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

47. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

49. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

50. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

51. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

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18 Signs You're Flat Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

10. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

11. At communion you go back for seconds.

12. You wash your toilet paper.

13. You have to save up to be poor.

14. You're in college.

15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

16. You owe yourself money.

17. You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

18. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.



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30 Useless Facts

1. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.

2. Blondes have more hair than dark haired people do.

3. Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

4. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

5. Bees kill more people a year than sharks do.

6. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves.

7. A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

8. Brazil is the only country to have played in every World Cup soccer tournament.

9. Bulls are colorblind, it is the motion of the cape which angers them.

10. Babe Ruth kept a lettuce leaf under his hat to keep cool during a game.

11. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

12. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

13. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.

14. Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living.

15. China has more English speakers than the United States.

16. By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.

17. Cheese is the oldest of all man-made foods.

18. Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and were stuffed with feathers.

19. Bill Clinton is the only President ever to be elected twice without ever receiving 50% of the popular vote. He had 43 percent in 1992 and 49 percent in 1996.

20. Children grow faster in the springtime.

21. By the time a child finishes elementary school she will have witnessed 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television.

22. A healthy human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

23. Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.

24. Casanova wore condoms made of linen.

25. A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs.

26. Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

27. A Horse has 18 more bones than a Human.

28. Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.

29. Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew cannabis sativa (marijuana) on their plantations.

30. A kangaroo can jump up to 3 meters high and leap up to 8 meters.
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jajaa! I love those "bunnies"=?

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts mas-turba-ting. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the ************ is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"